hannah

Cleaning bug

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 04:34:18 GMT

So i got a cleaning bug today and basically cleaned my apartment top to bottom, and by clean, I mean mopping on my hands and knees, going through piles of junk and finding the appropriate place (usually the trash) for everything. I even cleaned out my fridge and freezer. Needless to say i made three trips to the dumpster, the final trip I even had annie's help. She can offer proof of my apartment in an actual clutter free, super clean state! I am so happy about it. After all this cleaning, Annie and I walked to the store, picked up fresh veggies, and I made dinner while she entertained. I pulled my wok out of retirement (Finally!) and made a most scrumptuous stir fry. I then proceeded to make a batch of cookies, while doing the dishes from dinner. I feel so good, so clean, and so fresh. Isn't that an outcast song??!

Time to settle in with a good book till i fall asleep, feeling more satisfied than i have in months! Yeah Me!

Fantastic Sam and Rainy Days

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 04:11:12 GMT

So i had a surprise phonecall from sam on friday! they went on vacation and i had thursday and friday off..i look down at my phone, see trish's cell number pop up and i immediately think, uh-oh, something happened to sam...but when i answered all i heard was..."hi hannah, i miss you" I talked to sam for 5 minutes, then trish got on the phone and informed me that sam had spent the whole morning asking about where i was and walking over to the hotel phone, picking it up and saying "call hannah?"

my heart felt like it hasn't in years. SAM had managed to make me feel more loved than anyone else in my life with the simple act of calling me. I was and still am SOOOOOOO happy. I love that kid so much and it was so rewarding to find out he missed me like i miss him sometimes...

and i am good. i am me. i am and will be happy.

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:45:23 GMT

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I think i might disappear for awhile....find that black hole and jump in...i just feel like hiding out for a few weeks...summer makes that difficult though..Sam is fantastic as usual...I get an extra day off tomorrow so today is friday for me and I'm headed down to Oregon to see Logan...who always has a calming effect on me...which may be just what i need right now...i wish i could sleep for the next four days...all day and night...how good would that feel...i think it would be perfect. Ok, time to be bob the builder and make tunnels with blocks : )

Yet another night out

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 07:42:17 GMT

...sometimes being single is painful...

hahahaha...i spent my friday night to myself, cleaning and going to bed early, as it had been a long week. But tonight...i went out yet again...and unlike last weekend there was no company to be had in my apartment, even though it's what i want right now...Last weekend the company was nice, but meaningless...i'm ready for it to mean something again...maybe i'm crazy but i keep thinking i will find it...there were cute men all around, but they all seemed attached tonight, and all i really wanted and/or would allow myself was a good cuddle anyways...so no loss...not really...i mean a greasy totino's pizza and some tv on dvd is just as good as a man in my bed right? hehehehe...i wish! It is a close second though so i'll enjoy the hell outta it tonight!

: )

I almost texted you but I didn't

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 04:40:03 GMT

I wonder what you do with your time...mine has filled up faster than I could have imagined...i wonder if you wonder about me, I wonder what you dream of...i wonder f you've found this...

sam bawled like I haven't seen him bawl in a long time today...i wanted to stay with him, but i knew if I did his parents would take advantage of me loving their son...what a cruel world it is...but i got corn and turkey meatloaf from the grandma...we'll see how the weekend goes..i may pop over and put him to bed tomorrow as he was literally crying and clawing at me as i left today...the boy is my life, is my best friend and i couldn't be there for him? what kind of friend am i?

other people's grandmas

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 21:04:49 GMT

I have a full week of work with Sam's Grandmother and I am already going nuts...she goes into detail about her cold, why people shouldn't have pets, and how Sam should really be behaving. The company is nice for the first five minutes...but now all I want and need is silence. Silence. Silence. Can someone find me soem silence and have it delivered? ASAP!!!

: )

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:28:05 GMT

I am sitting once again in my apartment alone, looking out at the night and feeling a defining moment approaching. I am going out for drinks with someone new tonight (a friend, i don't think I'd be good for a guy right now : )) and am sitting listening to good music, having just watched some west wing episodes(THANK YOU WES!!) , missing people from the past, missing knowing my future, but my heart is warming up again, new life is springing forth (sorry for the cheese) and I am starting to remember just how fucking fantastic I am, as just me. i am remembering and even feeling my own happiness again and it feels so good...so very good...and i know i can do this...i want to do this...

:)

and i miss you, but not it...

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 06:00:43 GMT

but it was good, while it lasted, and i will remember it well...and so farwell, sweet love and comfort...

that is all to be said on the matter, the chapter is closed.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 05:02:58 GMT

I wanted you to know me
i wanted you to care
I thought you really meant it
I wanted to be your air...

it's been about a month, and starting over is easier this time, but not what i want this time...i feel lonely, yet part of the planet, the world, seeking the love that is true, and honest and needed. What most people don't realize, is that it is all about choice...you can choose to sign on or you can choose to walk away...all it came down to this time was him walking away...and i will start over again...trying to find the hope in the cloud of dissapointment that surrounds me...

to the naysayers and their cohorts

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 17:13:18 GMT

It is possible. To find what we all think can only happen once. Love has landed on my doorstep again and I am embracing it with open arms until it disappears. Hold on, all you who think it can only happen the first time, the one time, because I used to be you, but no longer. It will and can happen again. I promise.

OW!

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 07:42:51 GMT

Do not under any circumstances listen to anything the masses have to say. They are wrong. All i have to say is... OW! What a ridiculous societal trend that is!

In just a good single moment...

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 05:40:09 GMT

...I discover I am happy. Damn. This feels good.

another year goes by just like that

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 02:18:32 GMT

and suddenly everything has changed, yet it all seems to be the same. I have brand new adventures and people knocking on my door and who could ask for more than that. The minor disappointments this year were overshadowed by the fantastic surprises that were strewn before me. It snowed on my birthday. In november, in seattle, during the main hours of my b-day. And it was my golden birthday no less. It was a clear sign that this will be the best year yet and that only good things are coming my way! Annie took me out to a great b-day breakfast, I had wine and dinner made for me that evening all the while it was snowing and making me so happy inside i could not contain my excitement. I feel my age. But I like feeling older and wiser and in control. And this is gonna be a good year. If i have to fight like hell for it, it'll be a good year.

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 04:10:30 GMT

things could be so much worse. for this i am thankful.

so cool....

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 22:48:18 GMT

I just discovered this fantastic place, where you can find similar music to things you like/create a station based on an artist, thereby your mood, etc. It has its limitations but it's free and pretty damn good. you may have already heard of it, but i just found it so i thought i would tell you all to check it out!

www.pandora.com

just when you think...

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:23:35 GMT

your life couldn't get any more complicated or twilight zonish...it does...a stranger just appears and makes you an offer thats hard to refuse. And the company is nice, but the pit of loneliness certainly does not go away, if anything it becomes more exaggerated.

So what do you do? You tickle sam. You watch cartoons and giggle. You play chase at the park. You put your lonely energy into something else that will fill you up.

Insanity

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 18:57:14 GMT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to scream at the top of my lungs at the top of a mountain right this second, but sam is asleep and that might wake him up. Not to mention that there is no mountain to be found inside the house. I have looked.

Cha Cha, fries, Abba, and domestic violence

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 09:33:36 GMT

It's approaching 230 am and while i am happy to be awake at this fine hour, it is not how my evening was supposed to go. at 1130, just 3 short hours ago, i was falling asleep in my bed, comfy in pajamas, snuggled under a blanket. then the shouting started, which isn't anything to be startled about, being on capitol hill, drunkards tend to walk by a decent amount. But this shouting was of a different nature. It was of the fucked up relationship genre. He's begging her to stay, she's trying to leave. It's actually kinda comical...UNTIL he tackles her and starts practically strangling her. At this point they have my attention. ALL my attention. So of course i can't Not call 911. About ten minutes later i find myself fully dressed talking to a police officer in the street below my apartment. The guy and girl have both taken off, one chasing the other. The cops can't find them. Nothing comes of any of this...until about 3 hours later...

In between i get a text from wes...go have a couple drinks at the cha cha (i figured i was awake so why not), met lots of people on the walk to and from the bar. Had the BEST fries i've had in a long time by sampling random passerby's goodies...they are really good and i will remember them for future, more drunken evenings...

After the bar closes, i walk home, only to find that asshole guy, the one who tackled his girlfriend and beat on her across the street from my apartment, screaming into the payphone by my building. Mind you he's still begging, only now he seems to have lost his shoes and is growing more desperate. My big question is: Why would she answer the phone after he tried to beat her up for leaving? What a cyclical world it is...

Oh and there is NOTHING on tv. I am watching an abba concert on pbs.

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 20:56:59 GMT

when i think of things that could have been
i think of you
when i think of things that could have been
i think of him too
choices led me to this place
things i said or did
it wasn't out of spite or love
it was just something that i did

when the world gets quiet,
when the space seems big,
self praise and self doubt outta control
i'm outta control and i don't know how to begin

to tell you what you mean to me
to tell you what you are
to explain my love, my hate, my heart
the words will never find you

but they run round in my head
round in my head
round in my head

The man I love

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 18:29:08 GMT

Ok. So thanks to annie and her thoughtful post, I have spent the weekend thinking on life philosophy, what i am looking for and what love means versus companionship...

I have just spent the weekend with the little man in my life, Sam, and I have had the most simple, contented, and happy weekend that I have had in a long time. I could make a child my life, I know this now. Do I know for sure if I want kids? No. But I know I would be happy and content making them my life...

Love. I know I love Sam. I know I have love for two other people in this world. Am I currently in love? No. Do I wanna be? Of course. It's feels so good, why wouldn't anyone want that? But I like my life. I really like me, and while I don't mind dating and meeting new people, I do feel exhausted from it all and sometimes I wonder if a life lived single, surrounded by companionship (friends, kids, family) might be more satisfying...

I keep thinking back to annie's post, and to sex and the city in which carrie makes a speech about the fireworks kind of love she is looking for. While I want the fireworks for sure, I also want the fireworks to become a warm contented feeling, like I have today with Sam...I want to be able to look at my husband and know that there's no place else I'd rather be than with him. I want to wake up on a sunday make coffee and wander around the city with him, or just sit and read while he does what he wants to do, but still both of us wanting to share the same space. None of this sounds like fireworks, but it can be a form of fireworks. A deep everyday kind of love and fireworks...

Another topic that has my attention lately is my rationalization for life...I am not in any way religious and so the God stuff doesn't work for me. The best I can do is say that I wanna see whats gonna happen next, I wanna be here to see the next earthquake, the next drunk, funny person at a party...but other than that, what's the point? So my question to you all, is what keeps you going? what gets you up in the morning?

pink eye, close minded republicans, and sam

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 19:24:49 GMT

Well, another one bites the dust, although this one i sent quite merrily on his way after a weekend of me trying too hard and him not trying at all. Besides, he's a republican who apparently is looking for a girl who is gonna shut up, look cute, do only the things he wants to do, and have zero opinions that disagree with his. Not worth my time or anyone else's in my opinion. I am taking well needed break from the opposite sex. It's soooooo much simpler and enjoyable being single right now.

On an entirely different note I actually have conjunctivitis (pink eye) for the first time since i was a kid...but i suppose that's the price i pay for hanging out with kids more than grown-ups...

The best thing about my day so far: Sam! I am totally enamored mith him...he's having one of those days where he just randomly walks up to me, points and says my name, then gives me a hug and kiss, all of his own free will. God i love my job. i just wish I didn't have pink eye, cause my eyes hurt and itch and boo-hoo...i like whining...

Annie is a fabulous person

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 18:42:48 GMT

Here's to Annie. I had yet another fantastic weekend, just when i needed it, and it's mostly thanks to her. I was just so overcome with her fabulousness that I had to share. Wooooohooooo!

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 15:59:37 GMT

bullshit.

update on bullshit

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 16:12:14 GMT

at 5 a.m. i quit whining and went back to bed. What was I even really complaining about? There was a cute, sweet, boy who seems to like me in my bed, and i was in the kitchen complaining!!!! Oh well. No harm done. I am just really tired now and sam is sick which means i'll be getting sick here in a couple days too! That's what I get for complaining!

bullshit

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 11:11:21 GMT

you can be having a fabulous day, everything seemingly going your way and then a boy can be be just so very stupid and make you feel silly and foolish in one fell swoop...and you find yourself sitting at your kitchen table drinking tea and complaining to a computer at 4 am, while he's sleeping soundly, unaware that he even made you feel that way.

this is bullshit.